If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
dream blunt rotation
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.