If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Noah
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Oh yeah that’s it