If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men