If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Still my favorite headline of all time:
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.