If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene