If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
(True)
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.