If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
You Might Also Like
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.