If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My biological clock is wheezing.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Twitter remains undefeated
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.