If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?