If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you