If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Chicken bread
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
New comic up. “Ransom”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme