If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
This is my pinned tweet
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating