[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought