If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
It’s the weekend y’all
#parenting
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.