If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
But that’s none of my business
¯_(ツ)_/¯
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
New mindset, who dis?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.