If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”