If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
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There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Thursday Thought.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Attacked by a mop.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body