If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
It’s a gift
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.