If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today