If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids