If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
be careful
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me