If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
this has done me in for some reason
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I’m going to need a moment here.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
