If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
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oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.