If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning