if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work