If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”