If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
You Might Also Like
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots