If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”