If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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what
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..