If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My biological clock is wheezing.