If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
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I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
my name if I was in the mob
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?