If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
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[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?