If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
You Might Also Like
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.