If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
You Might Also Like
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!