@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

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@AaronFullerton

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

@robdelaney

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

@Brampersandon_

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

@iRowlf

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

@IamJackBoot

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

@ApocalypticLoFi

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

@justincousson

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.