Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️