@trevso_electric

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

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@noog

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

@VerifiedBIB

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@sheekaxo

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@ellewasamistake

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

@StruggleDisplay

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

@ThisLocalHater

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?