If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.