If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You Might Also Like
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
🤣😈🤣
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.