My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Dungeon Master: You should really use at least some of your points on charisma
Elon Musk: Nope
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]