@leftarmisme

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

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@copymama

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

@thefishpants

Dungeon Master: You should really use at least some of your points on charisma
Elon Musk: Nope

@Raoul_Duke_71

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

@mrjohndarby

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

@batkaren

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

@Ygrene

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]