If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????