@TheCiscoKidder
@TheAndrewNadeau I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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@TheAndrewNadeau 
@Playing_Dad “POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
@JohnHilsen I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
@thebabylady7 Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
@kelkulus FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
@huntigula her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
@whatsJo [Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
@Majorboobage Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
@TheWeirdWorld If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
@yaseen_moi Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?