If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.