If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.


Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”


I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.


Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup


FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.


her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?



Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.


If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.