I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
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“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?