@TheCiscoKidder

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

You Might Also Like

@TheAndrewNadeau

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

@Playing_Dad

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

@JohnHilsen

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

@thebabylady7

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

@kelkulus

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

@huntigula

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

@whatsJo

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

@Majorboobage

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

@TheWeirdWorld

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.