If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Every time my phone rings
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd