If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
This why you should mind your business
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings