If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Two words: Egg Newtonsâ„¢
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.