@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

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@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

@dlicj

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

@Jake_Vig

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

@Faungirl123

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

@TheDweck

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

@Darlainky

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.