Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.