If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle


if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel


Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.


Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it


wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight


Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.


I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time


If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president


My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.