If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
back to work
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m already scared
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Mornin
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.