If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
You Might Also Like
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.