If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
*Inspirational Tweets*
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”