If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
You Might Also Like
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Ha.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.