If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*