If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
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WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.