If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE