if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …